good does still happen. the monotony can be broken; so what if i have to do it for myself? sometimes it just takes more than a little effort to force the good out of life. the naive, curious, playful part of me (what little is left) still believes that some day i may know what reciprocation is, that some day i may have that moment of experiencing the world as if it were created solely for me, that some day i may be permitted to live fully and unashamedly. to be grateful for every single minute of my stupid little life.

i feel nearly ready, brought almost full circle by the blessings, the tortures, and the lessons back to childlike wonder. i may well not be there just yet, but sometimes i can almost feel it. perhaps one day i'll wake up with a soaked pillow and a smile on my face and know what i must do.

until then, i'm constantly left with so much more to say than i've said in far more than enough time. somewhere, there's a wall stopping me. i'm used to it, but at least i'm inching closer to it now, gathering my strength. know that i can love, can cry, can fight, and that one day it will fall. it won't be the end; it will be a new beginning; but i'll be prepared. it's a habit now, and i won't be caught off guard. i will not be stopped by heredity, socialization, or whatever else presses me when the time comes.

there is too much strength in the human spirit to keep it from doing whatever it truly wants to do, and no matter what else happens, this human spirit wants to love. i've persisted far too long through the tedium to give up now; i am resolved.

giving oneself to an ideal or ideals is the only way to experience the fullness of life, be it fully good or fully evil, be it the ideal of God and perfect righteousness or the ideal of ultimate, unchallenged power here on earth. whether the ideal is attained actually means little, but i am determined that this ideal will come to pass in some form. for it to not occur would be a waste of passion, and no true passion is wasted. i have little problem believing it could be part of some divine plan, and i have roughly equal compunction about believing i could make it for myself. confidentially, i might sleep easier if it were the former, but at this point, it's whatever life hands me.

it's a miracle that i even still believe after all i've told myself over and over in attempts at self-defense. that in itself should mean that this desire is not something to be trifled with. either that, or it means that i haven't matured yet, haven't yet become fully convinced that unadulterated good is a thing of the past...but this is one time i'm going to resist cynicism; its entertainment value is lost in the gravity of the situation. i refuse to go down without a fight; indeed, it's already started. bring it on.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04