sometimes i think my life could be summed up in a simple guitar/mandolin combination led by anyone from cliff young to johnny rzeznik.

i find myself watching shows that i'm ashamed to own up to (ok, it was wb's everwood) and actually liking them. i find myself reliving moments constantly in an attempt to glean any iota of feeling from them that i possibly can. i then find myself scolding myself for wishing i had more such moments to relive. the question is if just one thing from television can be real - if it's possible for someone to hug hold me and tell me, "you don't have to be strong anymore. you don't have to be ok," and mean it...and if i may do the same for her. the next question is if i'll ever be able to do away with this pipe dream once and for all.

i suppose it's all a matter of faith and of patience - either that, or a matter of accepting reality - something i'd rather not have to do. there's just too much out there that i can picture experiencing to a fuller extent as part of something that reaches beyond my own fingers. i feel capable of such a greater range than i can currently acheive.

then again, life cheats some; that's why we have philosophy. we try to explain why something that should by all rights have happened didn't happen, and no one can. we do the best we can to understand, and we come up with our own finitude as our only viable solution. perhaps crying out to the ceiling and praying that Someone beyond it hears me is my only option. hope it works.

there are nights. man...there are nights.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04