just when i think it might be gone. for all my admissions that i want to spend time with people, every time i do, my original conclusion is confirmed - people depress me. i'm no good in social settings; they're among the few things that can still arouse emotion in me, and it's not good.

i don't want to be what i see; i want existence, my existence, to be affirmed for what it is. i don't necessarily blame others, we just speak different languages. no one speaks the language of empathy anymore; sympathy has become the poison of choice...or perhaps empathy is simply limited. i can't really tell.

i'm sick of not living up to what this is all supposed to be; i'm sick of mediocrity; i'm sick of rotting away, not being sure whether it's from the inside out or the other way around.

in the grand scheme of things, my life is working out, but there's still a gnawing emptiness. maybe i just need to stay away from certain people; who knows?

i drive for roughly 10 hours tomorrow. i hope my car either makes the trip or takes me down with it.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04