i just ate an apple, a banana, and a mini candy bar, and i can't help but wonder why life seems to have it in for me. tonight i couldn't even take out my frustration at the injustice done to me by the universe in the gym because this weekend is homecoming (what? i don't know). as chris rock said oh so eloquently in head of state, "it ain't right."

the problem is that this is a universal feeling; virtually everyone at some point has a sense that everything is against them. that begs the question, "then what's the point?" why should we even bother trying to be positive when we all seem to have such an overwhelmingly negative experience of life regardless of how much we're privileged?

answer: i don't know; don't ask me. all i know is that we're incapable of looking at our lives objectively. it's so much easier to lament our troubles (and, indeed, it seems more logical sometimes), so we continue to complain.

perhaps the optimists, those simpletons, have something figured out that the rest of us haven't grasped yet. perhaps the fact that they don't allow themselves the luxury of being downcast permits them a richer experience of life. who knows?

all i can do is hope that if my grandiose visions of emotional fulfillment in life will ever come close to coming true, i won't be completely dead inside before they do. it seems that i hover ever closer to the brink with each blow, with each new callous i build while i shrink back to lick my wound. eventually i could end up as a force of skeptical stoicism to be reckoned with.

exhaustedly resigned - that's what i want to be when i grow up. after all, isn't it the modern american dream?

screw it; it's out of my hands.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04