for lack of better terminology, it's just not fair. i'd really like to meet someone who understands just a litte bit. when it comes to connecting with someone else in a meaningful way, once in a long while is so much worse than not at all. if i never have contact with others, i can shut off. repression is much more successful under the right circumstances. instead, now i have to go back to feeling like i'll burst if i don't have a decent conversation with someone soon.

it's been months now, maybe a year or so. every time i somehow manage to get to the point where i start to tell someone what i really think, i get cut off by something, and i don't get to finish. you can't just stop a flow of emtotion once it's started - it burns. that's why it's so much more comfortable to stay alone.

for a split second there, i wished to be like most other guys - completely immature - some not even wearing emotional training bras yet. i realize, though, that i wouldn't trade my advantages, my propensity for learning, my maturity, my abilities, for happiness. they're worth too much to me. i suppose it's my subconscious holding out hope that someday these things will allow me to be more happy than i ever thought possible, even though my conscious may argue against that with every bit of tangible and intangible evidence it can find. at any rate, i'd rather be me than be happy. call it masochism, call it stubbornness.

i can only hope that one day this will all turn out for the better. that all the crap about saving myself will be worth something. that some day i'll have someone to shelter when i can and stand beside when i can't. if not, i'll just keep going alone - after all, it's what i know best.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04