the life i had was one i didn't want, so i traded it in for one i'm not entirely comfortable with. now i wonder - i wonder if what i do is right, is best. i wonder if i'll wake up one day thirty years from now and regret wasting my youth in cynicism and solitude. i wonder if i'll ever be happy. not just satisfied to settle, but happy. this is who i am, but is it who i should be?

i can't embrace the questions when their answers mean so much. emotion is a difficult thing to desire when your personality dictates that the predominating emotion in your life would be sadness if you allowed any to exist. i'm tired. i'm dog tired of wondering. i want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time - i can't really say how long, but i just want out. i'm tired of dealing with this on my own, but i have no earthly idea of how to let someone (or Someone) else deal with it. i don't want to go on like this.

i remember a couple years ago - there used to be quality people - people i could trust and who were willing to trust me - there was meaning when i held them. what i don't remember is the day that everything fell apart. somewhere along the way, though, my structure of friendship caved in on itself and was never really rebuilt. i still haven't found anyone, still don't trust anyone. don't trust them to not run away. there's been too much emotional hit and run. it all sounds so stereotypical - i'm a regular case study. psychoanalyze me, and i'll strangle you - i can do that myself.

it's a flaw of society that man is forced to interact with his fellow whether he wants to or not - a flaw of humanity. move a man to the middle of a busy city, and he'll never have a moment of peace - move him to the woods, and people will still wander by. perhaps i can deal with all of this by simply getting a job. when i'm busy for a good portion of the day, i couldn't care less if i have nothing to do when i'm not busy. this summer i was very content not having much to do with other people - but now that i'm back directly in the midst of 4,000 other people with nothing to do for the majority of the day, i find myself slightly lonely. my erstwhile hoobies don't apply, and i can't seem to find suitable new ones.

what i've learned? i've learned that people don't have time for me. that for some reason, connections are hard for me to form, the probable cause being that relationships have a typical progression - from casual social to intimate - and i can't stand most casual social contact with people i don't already know. big groups annoy me; any group ignores me because i'm not in the middle of everything making an ass of myself. i've learned that society isn't worth my time, but that it imposes itself on me nonetheless. i've learned that i can't fight forever. i've almost accepted that one day, this will all have to come down. it won't be today. i'm not giving up easily. i'm bigger than my heart.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04