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it just won't stop
05.12.03 2:59 a.m.
There are sometimes when it's triggered. life can be going on with all the appearance of normalcy, even satisfaction, then it strikes. the soul feels it necessary to remind you once again that you are not, indeed may very well never be, satisfied. for me, these reactions are most often caused by people. certain people. i could choose to look at this the "good" way - one day all of this emotion, this commitment waiting to happen, will be returned, and i'll have a tangible reason to smile as i go to bed, again as i wake up, and again every time i think of her throughout the day. whether a choice or a necessity, though, i'm looking at it the other way - i don't need these emotions, shouldn't have them, and i have no assurance that i will be compensated for all of this (little though it may take to compensate me). i tire of my solitary little existence. i tire of it rather easily, which is one reason i try to rock my little plywood boat as little as i can. i started too early. enjoy it while you can, they say; i followed the crowd right away from enjoying it. i ignored good sense in favor of "growing up" faster. bloody naive, it was. some things i'm just not sure why i can't get away from, and this is one of them; i suppose it's just time for me to lie in the bed i made. i'll continue contemplating it, thinking myself far deeper into the hole, because that's just the way it is. some things, the things we hunger most for answers to, aren't meant to be explained. all i can hope for is that it all gets cleared up some day. the battle between passion and stoicism rages. they come to a draw, each building and defending fortresses in all the wrong places. the war has been won, but not here and not now. life is in midst of the battles. life is what happens while we're waiting for the victory to be won. life passes us by as we try to sort things out. i try to minimize what i miss, but i'm sure i'm failing far more than i'd like to be. such is the fight; such is my lot. praise be to God, Who knows far more than i do. a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04 |