So it seems that i've come to the time of questioning, but it's not a stressful, tearful "identity crisis;" it's as if this is just the time, just the time that i'm ready for it, this is the time that i'm ready to question almost everything. I'm ready to sit down, reevaluate things, and say, "Where in the heck did that come from in the first place?" Ready to say i just might have been wrong. Ready to test the spirits while still attempting to keep a firm grounding in the few absolute truths of the universe.

I've also about consigned myself to the reality that it might be impossible for me to settle down and focus on one area permanently. My life might just be made up of valiant efforts at ultimately unattained goals, commendable yet unfinished projects. It'll be worth it if i can make those first adjectives true. My interest is torn in so many different directions, it's a wonder i can sleep at night (i almost can't; it takes hours of lying awake in bed some nights). Somewhere in there there's genuine fiction literature, philosophy, a little bit of politics, a portion of psychology, and a lot of passion to do something with it all. Rare times when it peeks through, i change.

Yesterday was filled with reading political satire/commentary from both sides, being distraught at the near impossibility of discerning truth from propaganda in any situation or dissemination, and a burning desire to put it all together somehow, to study and make myself approved. I walked faster - much faster. Do i know what i'm going to do about it? Not really, but if not something, it'll be a shame.

Lately division disgusts me - me, who a year ago could have been voted "least likely to ever complain about intolerance." Like i said, it's time. Enough finger-pointing; enough assigning blame anywhere but where it belongs. (It's not Bush's fault the economy sucks - i'm tired of people whining at him for something the President has remarkably little to do with - eventually we were bound to run out of cheaper places to get our slave labor. Somewhere the chain stops, and with our overseas child labor sweatshops, we've about hit rock bottom for labor costs. If you must blame someone other than your own capitalistic bent toward your current overstuffed lifestyle, blame the large corporations that support it.) Enough complaining about people in opposition to your views - Hitler's regime had little internal opposition that went uncrushed; do we think of his reign as a positive thing? Debate is good; it reminds us that we're human and that no matter what we think, we don't have all the answers. Much as i'd like to think i do.

And please, if you claim Christianity, enough complaining about "the Baptists," "the Presbyterians," "the Lutherans." Think of how the idea of His children attacking each other the way they do must tear at the heart of God. We worship and learn in different environments because we weren't all cut with the same cookie cutter; humanity is (as should be obvious) not a race of clones. I believe that a sense of humor about something, even a religious denomination, is appropriate; just please don't take it beyond that. We're different so we can serve differently. It all makes sense when you think about it...doesn't it?

End today's rant/plea. Some day maybe this will all come together.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04