For now, i'm holding off the paranoia. i'm relaxed, and over the next few days, i will become so relaxed i will begin to go a little more crazy; that's alright. it's alright because for now, i'm convincing myself that i'm alright. tomorrow i'll wake up (far too late, i know), do a bunch of stuff (ok, probably very little stuff), and then go back to bed. somewhere in the midst will be writing, reading, playing guitar, and pretending that i'm content. doing anything reasonable to make myself feel content.

someday this will all be over; someday life will be over, and now is all i really have. will i regret? undoubtedly. but what am i to do? i'll let hindsight determine that for me. when all that's given to me (all that's given to any of us) is jagged, incomplete pieces (sometimes i think i got the wrong ones), i feel lost as to what in fact i'm supposed to be doing with all of this. i'm bright enough to know that it's probably not what i am doing with it, but the apparent dimness of the world around me discourages, disgusts, and demotivates.

lack of effort? maybe. i prefer to chalk it up to lack of direction; i'm very american in my fault-finding - it's never aimed at myself...well, except for that point awhile back when i realized that i am, in fact, a grade A moron, and told myself i needed to change. life is what you make of it, they say; attitude is everything, they say. no matter what, i feel stuck. i always look to the future to solve the problems of the present, and i see an ironic mix of validity and absurdity in it. how will the future, being simply an extension of the present, solve things i'm not particularly working toward in the present? well, the future involves a change in circumstances - but that's about it. the only circumstances that ever produced greatness were adverse ones. bodes well for the rest of us, doesn't it?

oh well; for now i'm going to pretend that i don't have enough sense to change because, well, i don't. i've half-tried before; it never seems to work. a new environment at college didn't seem to help much in the long run, as invigorating as it was at first. meeting new people hasn't done much for my outlook because i've fallen into some of the same trends with them. people are, in fact, all alike...for the most part. there are individuals, but somewhere along the way (rather often, it seems), humanity tends to repeat itself - after all, we have an original gene pool composed of, what, a grand total of 8 people? how far can that go?

enough for now; i'm done with my urge to write. you shouldn't have read something i wrote at 3 in the morning; don't you feel silly now?

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04