To borrow a line from a song i normally despise, "i'm one step closer to the edge, and i'm about to break." They say it's not good to hold stuff inside, right? Well, looks like i'm going to be dying young then. My curse of being accomodating to others generally comes back to bite me somehow, and this is no exception. i have no tangible outlet for anything that i'm thinking or feeling. when crying out to God feels like talking to yourself, things can start to look a little bleak. i've lost commmunication with the people i used to be able to talk to, so i'm left pretty much alone with my thoughts...when your mind works the way mine does, that can be a scary and disheartening thing.

this shouldn't be my focus. i just got back from camping. i jumped off a 30-foot cliff into the water below. i laid on a giant rock with a pillow and nothing else but scenery, sunlight, and the sound of rushing water. thing is, nature doesn't replace people and a heartfelt conversation, no matter how much i try to make it. sometimes i wonder if the days of true fellowship are over for me. the night of prayer that ended in laughter and hugs all around seems almost like an urban legend now. i haven't prayed with a small group of close friends like that in ages, and sometimes i doubt i ever will again.

needless to say, this is not fun. i'm honestly tired of not having anyone to talk to. i'm sick of going off by myself when things go wrong because i won't pull someone aside just so i can lay my problems on them. surely there can't only be three people in the world willing to take a genuine interest in me in exchange for me doing the same for them...can there? i guess anything's possible...

this isn't doing much good; perhaps it's calming me down a bit, but somewhere i'm still bleeding. oh well, enough. i'll attempt to solve the problem by thinking...because that's always worked in the past...

gah, i'm so alone.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04