The theme of the past i-don't-know-how-long has been, "i'm missing something." There's something i'm failing to grasp (or perhaps refusing to grasp) that's keeping me from enjoyment of...most anything. I can't help sitting wondering why i'm not really making any memories. This is the time for such things, yet all i have are random scattered memories that i'd count as "good," most of which involve high school. I've got the two road trips from last semester, but most of this semester has been crap (of course, it's only a month and a half old, but still...).

I'm restless, but i don't necessarily have any giant cross-country-on-two-dollars dream...i don't have much of any dream. My goal in life is to survive, and sometimes i question the wisdom of that one. Somewhere out there, there's something exciting, something that makes my heart flutter for me to finally give in to and chase with all i have within me. Somewhere out there, there's passion; somewhere out there God's waiting for me, tapping His foot, thinking, "he should be here by now." Somewhere out there, there's life, and life abundant. I'll be cornswoggled if i know where it is, though. I've seen it in others; i've read about it; i've heard about it...but you can't learn anything from me that you can't read in some book.

I wonder if i should hold out hope for all that i just said. It seems so pointless sometimes, but there's something inside of me that won't give up; there's a spark that won't go out no matter how much carbon dioxide my present circumstances pour on it. Somewhere...i fit. There's a place where i, even i, can smile and thank God as i get ready to start a new day. I can wake up and be so thoroughly refreshed by the fact that i love the life God has planned for me that i'll have the energy to take on the struggles it will entail.

I talk of hope, i talk of passion, i talk of happiness...if only others could see what goes through my head...it'd be a really poorly funded B movie that gets rave reviews from all the papers that no one reads. Right now, i see no viable way out of my mode of thinking; i see no way up the mountain - i'm stuck in the valley...but when it rains...when it rains long and hard...this valley will fill. As i write, i think to myself that i have no idea where any of this is coming from; it sure as heck isn't from me. I'd be about the last person to speak of such things. Somehow, i know...i just...know.

I...don't know. Lord, save me. Help my unbelief.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
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