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my life, such as it is...or an abstract representation thereof
02.26.03 11:59 p.m.
OK, so i have this urge to write, but no direction to really take my writing...here goes. This should be fun. The higher up, the thinner the air gets, and thus the harder it gets to climb, or even to hold your position. How thin the ice i walk on really is remains yet to be seen. I'd say there's "so much going through my head," but there really isn't; instead, it's probably two or three things that dominate my thoughts and that i can't escape. Part of it i don't want to escape; part of it i've tried for years to leave behind but apparently haven't wanted to let go enough to actually make it happen. I can't even mention it on this blasted site anymore. Too knowledgeable my enemies have become...ok, not really. The more steps i take, the more i just want to be sitting down; the more i sit, the more i wonder why i'm even awake...the more i sleep, the more useless i feel. It's a classic case. If there's one thing i can learn from this before it's even over, it's to never, ever look down on someone in the midst of a struggle. Sadly, i must admit that i've been guilty of that in the past...how wrong i was. What some people enjoy hurts others; and what some people can pass off as nothing will sink deep into the souls of others, latch on, and cling to them indefinitely. Pain is not to be ignored; fights shouldn't be fought alone; the hurting must never be condemned. How quickly have the prideful fallen - you never know when a struggle just as difficult will come crashing down upon you; when it does, you'll want others around to commiserate whether they fully understand or not. Be nice on your way up. Sometimes i speculate that perhaps the lesson i'll learn that will pull me out of all this is that i should really just build a cabin in the woods and avoid the rest of humanity for the rest of my life. I doubt i'm right, but boy would that be vindicating. This species has caused me so much trouble...no, i'm not the poster child for transferrence taken to the extreme...shut up...stupid voices in my head. OK, i'm better now (yeah right). I rather nearly conquered the whole relying on other people for happiness and support (i think), but that didn't really help my overall condition. I'm fairly unhappy whether or not that happiness comes from other people. Also, there are...other things, which, once again, i won't mention. Suffice it to say that when i signed up to be a male, i must not have read the fine print. You know, the part where it says, "Yeah, you can pee standing up, but you'll be miserable for the better part of the days you'll wish you had to do over again. Nah-nah-na-nah-nah." Time to go watch tv. a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04 |