I don't know whether i've ever been more confused, discouraged, and dissatisfied than i am right now. I feel as if i'm stagnating; i'm standing still, and i can't move. I'm looking around for a way to pick up a foot and put it in front of myself, but nothing's happening. I'm stuck, my knees are bleeding from falling so much already, and there's nothing i can do about it. I don't know whether giving up would exactly help right now, but it's what i feel like doing; i know at least there's something i have to give up.

Poetic metaphors that i so love aside, i simply can't do this alone. I want to just grab a friend and hug them until it's all over (something i've never done before), but i don't know whether that would help either. This must be what i'm after - the one soul-shaking crisis of faith that determines once and for all where your loyalties lie and how you're going to live the rest of your life (granted, there are second chances, but there's no need for them if you pass the first time). So i'm here. So far, i'm rather ambivalent about the whole process. I have so much else to think about that i almost don't want to deal with the whole spiritual aspect right now, but i know that if i finally get it straight, everything else will fall into place.

I'm so undeniably lost right now; perhaps the main lesson i'm supposed to take out of this is that i really can't do any of this on my own. I fail miserably every time i try to. Assumptions are made, i go through agony, and i end up for the most part worse than when i started, another piece of me gone...or at least misplaced.

Lord, I'm tired, so tired from walking;
And Lord, I'm so alone.
And Lord, the dark is creeping in, creeping up to swallow me.
I think I'll stop, rest here awhile.

And this is all that I can say right now, and this is all that I can give.
And this is all that I can say right now, and this is all that I can give. That's my everything.

Oh, and didn't you see me crying?
Oh, and didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You set it down,

And this is all that I can say right now - i know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. Yeah, that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now - i know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. Yeah, that's my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here;
I didn't know that that was You holding me.
I didn't notice You were crying too,
I didn't know that that was You washing my feet.

And this is all, this is all that I can say right now - i know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. Yeah, that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now - i know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. Yeah, that's my everything.

~David Crowder - "All I Can Say"

Gah, i'm tired.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04