...so i ended up sitting on a bench with my face turned to the right - to the wind - and my left arm stretched over the top, welcoming/begging someone (Someone?) to sit down and accept my embrace. Somewhere up there my prayers dissipated into faint whispers from a soul almost used up. Is it enough to say that i need You? I'd like you, but i need You. Amidst it all i think about going through life alone, being self-sufficient, and see that many people have done it. It's not for me. I don't want to live a life without God; that one thing i know. One thing's pretty much all i know.

I put one foot in front of the other and think, "i could do this forever." Remembering my (miraculous) trip to Europe this past summer gives me confidence that indeed i could. Walking doesn't cure it, though; nothing does. I think of the Israelites lost in battle, each man's face turned to his sword, his ally, his enemy; he feels terrified and overrun - but only because he doesn't see Moses on the mountain holding up arms to God - the only thing keeping him alive at all.

Sometimes i don't even think i'm fighting a battle; sometimes i think i take the sword from Satan and use it on myself. Sometimes...i don't know why. The doubts, worries, fears, unanswered questions, muffled sobs, and sleepless nights mow me down without effort. I can't do this alone. Is it enough to say i need You?

Love is a many splendored, a marvelously twisted, a magnificently sharpened knife. The days i can't even count anymore spent in longing laugh at me from the past; i can't move on - habit is habit. Though every fiber of my being may tell me, "one more day like this, and i'm simply not going to function tomorrow," i go on like i am. I've had quite enough, but i can't get out. It's not enough to rely on what i can see. It just might be enough to know that i need You.

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04