Well, the past few days - i'll just say that since i'm not really sure when it started - have been, to use the word that's been running through my head constantly recently, surreal. I'm kind of in a daze; when i walked out of a class at 1 today, it felt like 10 o'clock at night despite how bright it was outside, so i came back to my room and slept. That's been my theme recently - sleep - i've even considered mononucleosis a possibility, though that's probably not what's doing it.

To put it simply, it's been utterly miserable. Tonight at a student-led church service, though, i got the pinhole of light that i so needed. The past several years of my life have been an overall discouragingly fruitless search for vision and passion for my life with a few temporary breakthroughs here and there. Nothing seems to last, though. Tonight i realized that this could indeed be it, should i let it. If and when i come out of this, whatever it may be, i may very well be changed. I thought about it, and it goes perfectly with a passage in my oh so challenging Oswald Chambers devotional journal that i read recently: "No one enters into the experience of entire sanctification without going through a 'white funeral' - the burial of the old life. If there has never been this crisis of death, sanctification is only a vision. There must be a 'white funeral,' a death that has only one resurrection - a resurrection into the life of Jesus Christ."

I think that i could probably make this that, should i so choose. Chambers goes on to say in that passage basically that funerals are difficult - you're not going to have fun dying. He hit that one on the nose; like i said, i'm miserable; however, i don't care. I'll stay miserable. I'll stay wherever i am right now until i want God more than i want my next breath (and judging by the way i feel, something's making me suspicious that that might not be that far away). That is when revival occurs.

I'm seeking that love, that passion, that devotion to the One Who's carried me for so long. It's not out of reach. When i'm done here, i hope not to have everything figured out, but i'll sure as heck be closer than i am now.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see?
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees?
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss.

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn, God, and I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for You
And my heart burns for You

(~Deliriou5? - "Obsession")

a brief and terribly undescriptive return - 10.28.04
- - 09.17.04
- - 08.16.04
- - 08.13.04
- - 07.30.04